yesterday.....while returning back from a seminar(that consisted of countless speeches on irrelevant subjects.......and only two minutes of speech on the related topic!)......my friends and I happened to come across an old church.Churches always fascinate me......not that i don't like going to temples for praying.....but they have a different environment in and around them.It was so huge.....so quiet,spacious, serene,pure and most of all..... peaceful.It was the first time in months that i found a sense of peace in me.There are so many things going on in life right now....I hardly stop by a temple.15 mins of prayers at home in the mornings and the evenings.....have now been reduced to a bare 2 minutes.And, even in those 2 minutes of time there are only a few seconds when i actually thank HIM.....the rest of the time my mind is always wandering......
anyway...so this church was really beautiful.I knelt on this small pillow....and concentrated on my prayer.I prayed for the first time in so many days...with a calm mind.....nothing else was on my mind except....peace.No worries,no complaints,no whines......for once i allowed god himself to read my mind......and not ask him to grant me something....and it felt so good!....wish I could stay for a little longer....but then there were so many other things to do and so many places to go.
Only wish there were a few more hours in a day......Lack of sleep,assignments,exams(can you believe it...its just been three weeks since the sem has begun and those shitty exams have started haunting us again!!!),traveling in the train and more than anything running for almost 10 mins just to catch a train!........everything is just driving me nuts!

it was all over.......

Impulse......yes,that is what it took for her to do the most difficult job she had ever wanted to do.....it was just killing her inside.She knew how much she had regretted the decisions she made in a fit of impulsiveness.....but today,she was dead sure....she won't regret this decision.
She was walking.....walking through the darkness that filled the room....and also her life.Her feet were cold,partly because she was walking bare feet on that cold night and partly because of the pain that gripped her ever so tightly.Her hands were numb and eyes all weary.All she wanted was to shut her eyes and sleep.......she wanted it to be the longest sleep ever.....'coz she didn't want to open her eyes again.But she knew....her eyes would want to stay awake ....only.... to weep.
She had been here before....in the same exact situation.She had cried her eyes out, two years back..when she through the same emotional upsurge.She had burnt her fingers for the second time....in the same fire.She was blinded by her heart.....that which had lost it way.She had always known solutions for her own problems...it was only too hard to accept them.How could she??.....these were the bitter truths that stood like a wall.....in the way of her hunky-dory life. They pricked her like thorns.Today was not an exception.....she knew.....every reason...for this failure......so she was spared the trouble of looking out for reasons...all she had to do was walk......and walk so far....that the person she had left behind today seemed like a mere speck on the horizon.
With feet as cold as ice and completely numb......she knew,she couldn't walk further.She sat down on the chair and....with a heart so heavy.....started penning her thoughts.Soon she realised how futile the effort was. She knew, nothing.....and simply nothing could fill the void in her heart tonight.She was in no mood to struggle to find words,clearly not tonight.Laying down the pen, with footsteps ,that seemed so burdensome.....she started to walk towards the balcony.She was shivering but even the intensity of the cold didn't seem to match amount of pain that filled her....
There she stood ,gazing into the distance......with the radiance of the moon all around her and star-filled sky spread above her....it certainly didn't feel like a night she'd like to be alone.But she was.......she was alone.Today, the hell had come crashing down on her.She was missing him........like never before.Knowing ,that she'd have to live with this feeling for a long time now,she tried to hold her emotions back.But that-she promised herself-she would do later,not tonight....not at this moment....because tonight was a night to bid a farewell to that person,those memories,moments,those joys and the pain.
.....tears welled her eyes .....she broke down....almost sinking in an ocean of sorrow.....

the astro connection.....

I wonder...what is it with me and these stars in the sky.......I have always loved to watch them twinkle.....Every time i am sad.....with teary eyes...I look out of the window....trying to make some sense of the situation i am in.....and there in those stars...so far above....I always find an answer.Not that they talk to me.....but just looking at them....I find peace within myself.They bring some sort of hope.....or at least calm down the storm within me.When i was about 9-10 yrs.....i remember... I always dreamt of...choosing a career that had something to do with the stars ,the space,the universe.I was and still am...awestruck by the concept of the world beyond ours......the space,the aliens and stuff.....but then as it happens in most cases....that dream has been left far behind.Guess I didn't have the guts to follow my dreams...to walk on a path less trodden. Anyway.....these stars are so tiny......yet so bright...you just want to keep looking at them.....and admire them.Every time I travel...when I go places....I don't like to sleep at night....i prefer staying up...gazing at the sky....all night long...while others are asleep.....just looking at those tiny dots in the sky.Maybe in my past life....I've had some astro-connection....

classroom moods......

place:classroom.
Lecture:system software.
Duration: 2 hrs.......(10.00-12.00).....damn those two hours!

ok.....so this is what I wrote during,what I'd call, the world's most boring system software lecture ever!....obviously I wasn't listening....(not that I didn't want to).....so I thought I might as well make some use of this precious time.

time:11.05......Damn!has it only been an hour???? what is it that she's prattling???....how can she be under the impression that we are getting what she's saying?....any sane human would have known that half the class was dozing and was least interested.she was so engrossed in her teaching that she hardly cared if anyone was listening.
state of mind -completely restless.....well who wouldn't be ?? when you are glued to one chair for 4 hours....and being bombarded incessantly with definitions, terms and some explanation that hardly makes any sense.....saturation,wanting to break free from shackles (of syst. softwre of course) .
thoughts drifting through mind -wonder what's mom given for lunch?...I did see her put some piece of bread in the lunch box.....was it bread and jam???.....naah....must be butter....she did cut the bread in four halves ,didn't she??...It'd be much easier to eat it that way.....who cares?....it'd be yummy anyway.....;)
state of the class:lazy...sleepy.....plain blank faces!not a clue of what's going on....half of them lost in their own sweet dreams.....just like me...:)......what language is she talking in?....is it ummmm.....java?...sql?....naah....must be some high level language....that it seems only she understands....!
some lines from the monologue--- "From this to that and from that to this"
"the rest you can do it from our Stallin..(and not William Stallin!!)"
"the parent program 'has' in a problem.... (not 'is')"
time :11.30
Still clueless.....I didn't waste my time completely though......thought of diverting this energy in some creative work...so made a few sketches....of cartoons....from the cover of the book.
me and kejal nearly split our sides at the 'grammatical disaster!'.........hiding once in a while....behind the chairs ahead.....to hide our giggles...and grins....
someone's cellphone rang....but that did not seem to have fallen on this lady's ears......it sharayu's cell...she was letting it ring....just for some fun.....but even the ring died down....in an attempt to cheer up the atmosphere...

Ok now....11.45....the whining starts....the same usual.....'maaaaaaa'm......'...she stops for a while....as if just about to tell us off.....but i guess ....she couldn't find words to express her anger.....and there she goessss.......there she goes again......she starts rambling yet again.....!!
.....12.10....now finallyyyy she's about to leave....but she won't stop talking!...god! what does she eat??........and there she leaves.....end of the longest monologue of the century!!....saturating our brains to the hilt.....

mindless rambling.......

Wonder if there is any end to any of these sad feelings.....to all the gloominess in life.Sometimes you think...'oh great!at least something's going right'.....and there!...one more problem's waiting for you at your doorstep...The more you run away from these stupid ' problems'....the more they haunt you like some monster!...
Finally starting to cut off the color black from my life.....yeah...true I just love the color....but it had started to dominate....just about everything in my life.Every second t-shirt I pull out to wear is black!....as if there exists no color on this earth except black....
Procrastination!...its killing me!..
Almost about to finish angels and demons....its getting quite interesting now.....
I wonder...if there's some mysterious connection I share with the letter 's' and the number '7'.....the number 7 is just too lucky for me...and the letter s.....where do I begin?.....my parents names start with an 's'....my junior college was 's'athye....I am pursuing my bachelors degree in a college named 's'.....first crush...guy with his name starting with 's'........and.....ummm...hey i just figured out...the word seven..also starts with.....well no points for guessing.....an 's'......

why the hell am i writing such sad posts???????...........I must be really sick right now....and hell I am!!

I'm just too tired of my own thoughts.....my brain is just overloaded with thoughts!......jammed with all the stupid thoughts and worries...how the hell is it supposed to work?......
Want to be happy....trying to listen to happy songs.....trying to keep myself busy......but it ain't working!....just at my wit's end at the moment.....

the poem that started it all over again......

....someday back on 2007......the college required some junior editors..for the college magazine.The notice was announced in the class....and I missed it.Reason?....it was yet another lazy day for me...so woke up late and somehow hurried up and went to the college...that's a different thought though(I can write a one page essay on me arriving late for the lectures all the time!).Friends told me about this and although I wasn't really sure if I should give it a try....my friends egged me on.I suddenly went down memory lane....remembered the school days...the way I used to write those essays......man I used to put my heart and soul in it!.....I hated writing when not in a mood...but when I wanted to write something....I gave it my best shot.But somehow I just lost my interest in writing....while trying to solve those other dilemmas of my teenage life-I doubted if I still had those(not so great...but average) writing skills.Nevertheless.....after a lot of thinking....and mind you it was 'a lot' of it.... I went to the library where we were called for selection.We were given quite a few topics....and the one I chose was ..'the last diary entry of a girl committing suicide'....and let me tell you..I was the most appropriate person,in that room who could write on this topic.....as if fate chose me to write this poem.I remember how things weren't just working out right for me.I regretted everything I did,every decision I took, seemed like a big mistake.I had started to feel desolate....thought that everyone hated me...that I was just good for nothing.But then this poem happened....and it sort of changed things for the better..(not completely though).I really didn't think I stood any chance of being selected...I mean with people like Amrita to compete with(she writes amazingly well)....I really thought it was a waste..I was the person writing...or should I racking my brains...till the very end.I had almost given up halfway.Scribbling,searching for the right words...it was taking way too long....I prayed and I prayed hard 'coz I was tired of failures....and as if someone had heard my prayers...I heard a voice inside me(mine of course ;))...which kept telling me to keep going...'don't give up you fool....! fight back....you'll find the right words....just think!'--it said....And then....the words,the thoughts,the rhyme-scheme.....just everything started falling in the right place!....And there it was ....a complete poem...I had written after such a long time.......and guess what?????It got selected!....okay,so there were very few people to select from....but hey ! what the heck...I did get selected after all !!! It was a great feeling...rising from the ashes,when all hopes were lost....I achieved something and that too thanks to the pathetic situation I was in.....now that's some irony..!.....so here's the poem..that made me feel like writing again....a poem that started it all over again......

Last Diary Entry of a Girl Committing Suicide..

Sitting beside the window,
looking at a dark cloud,
I wonder if I should give up..
or should I still stand proud.

Friends run away from me,
my parents hate me too...
If only there was a day
when my heart didn't feel so blue.

Everytime I tripped,
I fell on my back....
ladyluck betrayed me
and I ran out of luck.

With a heart of broken dreams
I stand here all alone...
with emotions heaped up in my head
and no one I could phone.

In this utter darkness,
I wish I'd find a lone ray...
I would mend my heart again
to live,I'd find a way.

But I guess its all over now
even words betray me....
I don't have enough of them
to end this tragedy.

memories of a shooting star and more....

Was just looking out of my balcony a while ago.......and the first thing my eyes encountered was a bright blue star....and it brought back a memory ...the memory of a shooting star...My friends sonya , sapna and I....were sitting on the terrace...wasting time....almost DIL CHAHTA HAIN style(the scene where the trio is in goa...aamir khan sitting on the wall and the other two looking at the distant ship)....While we were just talking...about some stupid stuff,as we always do when we meet, sonya and I happened to look at the sky at the same instant.....and we saw some bright light shooting in our direction.Neither of us had seen something like this before...except on the discovery channel...but that was on t.v and this was for real.At first we thought it was a cracker of some sort.....but there were no signs of smoke. We just looked at each other and exclaimed..'did you see that thing??'....we were then sure we weren't dreaming but we had just seen a shooting star for the first time in our lives!.....we were so excited....while each of us closed our eyes and made our secret wishes...sapna looked on.The poor girl....had missed it!...and she wasn't feeling good about it....her face reflects every mood of hers...even in the darkness of the night one could tell how much she wanted to see that star.Since that day every time we went up on the terrace...we and specially sapna would look out for shooting stars...so that she could make her wish too.....To her dismay..she..as far as I know....has never really seen a shooting star!.......It felt really magical back then....I wondered if the wishes made when you see a shooting star really come true....and although I don't remember the many wishes I managed to make in those few minutes....one of them had actually come true.....or may be it was just a coincidence.The other wish ,I remember was a 'long term' wish....the details of which I would not like to disclose.....Anyway...it was a great experience(I know ...might just sound silly for some...).Sonya has now shifted to some other place.We recently met...about two days ago.She's got her nose and ears pierced...ewwwww!...I mean ears....is ok....but getting your nose pierced??.....that's gross!...I must admit though ...she looked pretty good with that nose ring....but how do people manage it?....You know what I mean,don't you?....The thought of some piece of metal going right through you nose.....just freaks me out!...I'd never do that ....not even someone paid me to do it!....We(me sonya and guddi ) talked and walked for a while and then we parted off...laughing at some of my pj's!...just like the old times ,when we would meet almost every single day.Not a single incident of our lives was ever a secret..we'd just talk about any crap on this earth....and roll with laughter....over stupid things.All of us have become busy these days...me with my engineering,guddi with the phone-talks....lolz,sapna with her job and sonya's just moved away....But we do talk to each other and keep in touch....and that feels so good....we still gossip,bitch about others,keep ourselves updated about each others life....and more than anything we still laugh our heads off at the stupidest joke ever when we are together!

it's just another day...

...Did go to college finally with some resistance.....not at 8.00 ..was late as usual...a better day than I thought.Something did go in my head finally after all these months!!...and some other stuff seemed nothing but sheer blabbering! ...had to concentrate alot .....tried to follow the teachers' words..and not let my mind waver......and guess what?? it worked!!...guess the hard work paid off.Of late I've just been running away from books....and I seriously don't want it to be the same this semester. So I've decided to fight this 'resistance to studies'.....Anyway..met this old friend of mine on my way back home....had been a long time I had seen her...not very long though...She lives just a few walks away from my place but we hardly ever meet.All thanks to me.she'd always say...'we'll meet up someday'......but the lazy bone that I am...I never really went to meet her and a few of my other school friends...God she must be hating me for this!I hardly even call her up!..(I just suck at talking!!...always feel tongue tied.).we often meet online....but the strange part is that although I talk to her about...various things online,I just never find one thing to talk about when I meet her in person.strange??...I know!!....Nevertheless...she still is one of my close friends...the fun we had in school...was just great!...she's taken to photography...and man she's one hell of a photographer.Really miss those school days though....

Let go.......

Life can be so unfair sometimes.There some things and people in your life who are very dear to you.You want them to stay for a little longer but they can't.Once their purpose in your life is over...they start moving away from you.No matter how bad you might feel to let them go...you have to let them go.Well that's the rule of LIFE.Go with the flow.You need to make place in your hearts and your life for newer characters...or this play called life might just be too boring.It is difficult initially to forget these people but eventually....time teaches us to live without them.All of us know that life is all about moving on...but the only problem is that its difficult to accept this bitter fact.

Things I like.....

• Watching the sky full of stars at night....those sparkling dots all across the pitch black sky are such a pretty sight for the eyes.And I am lucky enough to see this sight almost every night before i go to sleep as my bed is just beside the window.
• Like to sit on the window seat while traveling.....with the wind blowing against my face...and watch the people pass by..
• Listening to music......God save my ears!
• Listen to people pour their hearts out...don't like talking too much...I usually end up knowing everything about others and they never have a hint of what's going on in my life!....I can't talk much..I was born only to listen to people.That creates a lot problems for me though.Friends think I've forgotten them when I don't call them up.But the truth is that...and I don't mean to boast about myself...it's really tough for me to forget people...I remember them...although many people tend to forget me.
• Eating pizzas...they are yummy!
• Being quiet...and for no reason at all!

Just a random thought....

These days I am just enjoying blogging....I did use to write in my diary but never did I enjoy writing so much.It's just a great way to vent your emotions and may be someone might just read the post and perhaps might even relate to your dilemmas or emotions.
However,I fear, I wouldn't be able to blog that often as I have been doing of late because soon its going to be STUDY TIME!! God save me from those never-ending exams and those useless assignments!
Anyway..as I was saying...I am just relaxing for the time being.Away from the exam pressure,I am having the time of my life.Talking to friends,going out for walking in the park,watching t.v.,reading books(angels and demons....it's been a year I've been reading this book!...yes one whole year!!),getting up late in the morning,staying up till late at night(and catching a wink in the noon),listening to my favorite tracks,blogging(how can I forget that?) -basically doing all the stuff I like to do in my free time.God I love this life!!If only someone paid me for all of this,I could make a living out of it!!

Some funny quotes.....

Women have a passion for mathematics. They divide their age in half, double the price of their clothes, and always add at least five years to the age of their best friend.

-- Marcel Achard

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity!
------Albert Einstein


All men hear is blah, blah, blah, blah, SEX, blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah, BEER.
-- Dennis Leary

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
-- Douglas Adams


There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
-- Frank Zappa

A few good men...

On our recent visit to Chennai (which was amazing by the way),my friends and I came across a bunch of incredibly modest people.These blokes weren't the ones with high post or anything but they took pride in the job they did-they served us food at the dinning hall.They wore a pleasant smile on their faces that never seemed to fade away.Just a few words-"good morning madam","How is the food?"-and thaat was enough to make us feel at home.There was however this one person..who stood out amongst those people.Trust me, I have never seen a man so humble as he was.His job was to collect our plates when we finished having our meals at the table.We never had to tell this man to pick up our plates.As soon as we finished eating,he would be standing right there before us,all ready to do his job,with a really warm smile on his face.If ever we got up to dispose off the plates all by ourselves and he was around the corner,he would take the plate from our hands...and wouldn't let us take the trouble.I really felt pity for this man.I mean who the hell on this earth wouldn't?How many people who we know do their job with such dignity..no matter how small or big the job is?...we(me and my friends)felt like helping him because all of us really respected the man.We contributed some money to help this man out....but he refused to take it.
When we were about to leave in the bus...these people(I earlier mentioned about) were standing at the gate to see us off..and amidst them this old man clearly stood out.He was standing there..wit his trademark smile.When the bus started moving..he bade us goodbye...by waving his hand(he knew we would not understand his language).At that moment..I seriously wished that I could help him.But i guess the only thing I could do was bless this man from the core of my heart and only hope that there be more people like him in this world of ours.Whosoever this man was,God bless him.

Quotes by Albert Einstein...

"A man may die, nations may rise and fall, but an idea lives on."

"Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex... It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction."

"Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves."

"As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."

"Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts."

"He who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe is as good as dead; his eyes are closed."

"I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference!"

Stopping by the woods on a snowy evening...

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village, though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Robert Frost ....

like this poem alot....have always liked reading it since school days(v had it in std. 7th..i guess..in our english text books)....the last two lines are the most inspiring...'miles to go before i sleep'.

A place unknown....

When the lights are out,
and its time to sleep,
I hide under the blanket,
and in a secret place I creep.


A place so vast,
a place so forbidden...
A place outside this world...
a place so abandoned.

A place that shelters me
if ever I went wrong,
that makes me stand tall
and inspires to move on.

Sometimes it has... an endless road,
at times a deep ocean I see,
sometimes I am lying on a cliff...
with a starry sky over me.

when sadness looms o'er my head,
to my voice no one heeds...
in search of hope and joy,
in this den I recede.


When I sit on a bench,
all lost in introspection...
I discover all the answers,
awaiting me at the horizon.

when the sun is all tired
and in darkness it disappears,
to this moonlit land I flee
to shed all my tears.

The joy that it gives is not such
that words can express...
the calm water of its ocean,
is a comfort in distress.

How deeply I wish
that you could come here,
To a place that has no place
for a word called 'fear'.

for now though, words are all I have
to tell you what this place means...
'coz its just a place unknown....
just a wonderland in my dreams.

A night of broken dreams and the morning after

She thought she’d hug him,
When she meets him…
She’d cry in his arms
And never leave him.


She'd whisper in his ears..
tell him that she missed him.
and he'd whisper back to tell
that he felt the same.

He'd strum the guitar
and play her favorite song..
she'd hum to the tune..
and swing along.


There wouldn"t be lights.
only the moon would glow..
there won"t be anyone around
except their own shadow.



They"d then walk alone
on an empty street..
silence alone would be talking
leaves kissing their bare feet.




But little did she know
there was a twist in the tale..
that she"d go terribly wrong..
that her plan would fail.


In the midst of nowhere
she was standing all alone;
facing the reality
where she was forlorn.

Someone had smashed
her rose tinted glasses..
the ground beneath her feet slipped..
her world reduced to ashes.




She took a while
to pick up the pieces..
'coz it was ages since
in a desert , she found an oasis.



It was a night of a broken dream
that left a taste so bitter.
But the night she knew would pass.....
she feared..... the morning after.

people are here ....but not to stay...

People are here
but they are not to stay.
like seasons they come..
and they fade away.

Like tiny little raindrops
quench the earth's thirst;
they'll protect you like angels
when problems erupt.

Like winter brings with it..
pleasant cold air,
they fill you with happiness,
steal away the despair.

But like the dried golden leaves
that abandon the tree;
they set out on voyages..
only to stay in your memory.

Like a dream is lost
when you wake up from a sleep;
they leave from the back door
so as not to watch you weep.

Teary eyes stare at the road..
hoping to find a trace..
but all they find are......
footsteps in sand..
disappearing into nothingness.